An old 2005 painting of mine. Filled with alot of darkness and fear.
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Ok.
So, I have managed to write about two of my three Big Fears. The one’s that have caused my dis-ease.
There’s one more: Money.
We all know those new spirituality books talk about the grand abundance of energy and money out there– we just have to ask for it, to attract it, close your eyes and send out the right vibes! There’s truth to this– but easier said than done. You see, as an artist, this is one really tough thing to do: Asking for money for doing stuff that by definition you love to do.
I paid for my university toiling away in remote forests doing hard manual labour. That made sense. It is easy to feel entitled for getting money for something that is obviously unpleasant and hard to do. To ask for money for something that is a reflection of your self, the embodiment of your passions and was a joy to produce… well, that is another matter.
It means you need to get over some old and fundamental ideas about self-worth and the meaning of money. Is money really the root of all evil? This is definitely a subconscious value that comes with growing up in Christian Canada. The consequence is that if money is bad, then it would be impure to ask money for doing pure work– like things that you love to do! This subcouscious residual belief is a big barrier for artists. Myself included.
I am getting better at this though. Slowly. Its a matter of seeing money and art in new ways, of learning to… well… Love money. Something Christian in me wants to say that that is a sin! Yep… I think that’s the Bible verse: “Love of money is the root of all evil”. Indeed, this value runs deep and subconscious in me. I have only to look at my return and health. If our moments are reflections of what is inside us, then to return to Canada without any money is an existential snapshot of what is inside me.
But money is simply energy. There’s nothing wrong with it! Really, my mind just needs to convince my heart. To be scared of receiving or asking for it or balancing it out in your life, well, that’s not healthy or good. Like the rest of Creation, if you can love it (but like everything, not too much!) then you can integrate it into your being.
If I am honest with myself, I have never wanted to look at and account for the money that has come my way. Just like being afraid of Blood and my inner workings, if I can’t look at this, then, this part of me gets shut in the dark and gets sick. To come to Love something casts this darkness away. Then rather than money being something you flee from, it becomes something that propels you.
Man… all this stuff is sooo simple and obvious sometimes I feel like a fool writing about it! 🙁 But, this is important for me to get out.
OK… All that said, the point of this post is to actually do something about this fear! I haven’t updated my art catalogue for a year. NOW… I am posting here my updated art catalogue!
(see the next post!)
