Ok… That’s seems a crazy thing to write. Two months ago, as I agonized over having to return to Canada I had next to no grattitude for what was happening to me. Half of my body was numb, and I was being wrested away from my art, my career and my love. I was forced to abandon all and return to Canada. To my parents house.
Being here has hardly been easy. If you’ve been following my blogs Ive been dealing with some major isssues. These issues, these fears, these dark areas of my living go way back and dealing with them here has involved massive amounts of stress and inner conflict. Talk about intense.
But trully good things seldom are easy are they?
And of course if you really want to heal and to shift from decades of ingrained life patterns, well, you need a major shake-up to do so. Only a week before my mini-stroke I actually thought I was super healthy. I was completely oblivious to the massive life force drain I was imposing on my body.
Let me emphasize that: Completely oblivious and ignorant.
But, there cycling on my bike through Italy, I remember asking the universe: “Help me see what else is wrong with me.” Well, BANG. The stroke was my wakeup. Looking back, I can’t think of any other way, that I could have woken up from my arrogant, oblivious ignorance to the state of my body. Now, with some distance, I see how crazy fortunate I was to have these trans-continental incident happen to me. Really, it started in Italy, crescendoed in France, took me England, and then compelled me to Canada in a web of crazy connections.
But the stroke is just the beginning. I had the massive fortune to be guided from that wakeup and pointed in the right direction. In London, Catherine and Gudrun helped me restore my energy, medicine I needed, the tests I had to undergo, but also the existential things I need to face.
I’ve had two months now with my mum and dad to get to know in a whole new way. I am really thankfull for not only their help to return, but for this time. This time to bake cookies with my mum, go for walks with my dad, talk about old and buried issues, tell them about my dreams and have a space and place to consolidate my learnings and leap back into the flow.
I am also incredibly thankful for the opportunity to get to know my community here. You see I was always shy. I was always apprehensive in everything from getting to know the Church minister to the neighbours. Of course, this apprehensiveness has always effected me. But now, here again, I have the chance to get to know all these people. Its incredibly liberating and, as I work on a mandala comission with my whole Church here, incredibly healing. I am discovering all these great people, from my old Sunday school teacher (who I was scared of!) to the minister. Wonderful.
With some distance now, this is where my grattitude begins. You see, these three patterns of Blood, Sex and Money that I have written about, would have easily persisted for the rest of my life unnoticed and unchanged. They would have cut short my life expectancy by a decade or two or three. They would have undermined everything I did and been passed on to those close to me and to my children.
And my gratt
